not just because I have been sick… or because it has been super hot in the house… or because the kids where going stir crazy being house bound more… or because the kitchen was a disaster and I had to keep the kids out of it during renos… I would like to blame it on all of the above and more… but…
I knew this weariness ran deeper…
The wearyness didn’t make sense…
I am content where I am… happy to be blessed with a home to settle into for a while… thankful for the bright outlook I have about this coming school year…
So why was I so weary then?
I pretty much new from the get go it had something to do with the slump in my devotion time… Not that I am religious about that but I am SPIRITUAL about it and RELATIONAL about it. Due to craziness around me, my devotions had been hurried for the last week or more… I was missing my one on one time with Jesus and feeling like I wasn’t getting the kick in the pants each morning that I needed (you know, putting on the armor, focusing on Jesus in order to live by the Spirit)…
The weariness manifest itself in the dysfunction of my schedule.
Kids and I not running like a well oiled machine… up to late, sleeping in to much… no naps, meals thrown at them… me missing meals… on and on and on… I felt like I would get glimpses of victory just before the kids would explode on one another like wild animals and then I felt pulled back under… I felt like I couldn’t stop it all long enough to get off and get clarity…
UNTIL…
Yesterday I read Hebrews 12 QUICKLY and it felt like a big present that I needed to unwrap more… but I was whisked away by family insanity and even though I thrust a copy of the new Testament in my pocket in hopes of going back to it during the day it didn’t happen. Night came and I sat down with my Bible after a long depressing day… I read the chapter again praying to see what was there for me… I felt it, I craved it… I thought I missed it…
Laying down to sleep that night I got it…
The above verses where for me…
WEARY…
Not because of my life right now (although it could use a little more schedule again)… not because of anything I listed above…
Because of thoughts…
So if this is where I loose you that is fine… I am writing this for myself to look back on.
Negative thoughts directed at myself, varying in degree aren’t new for me…
When I went to bed last night I realized I hadn’t noticed all the thoughts for what they where… building up in force and harmfulness…
A clear example came to mind…
I was driving home from a day at the park yesterday and I couldn’t stop the on slot… ‘You are a crummy mother, you are a disappointment, you don’t give enough to your friends, your kids and certainly your husband… you just can’t get it together…’ I ended up sitting in a puddle of bitter tears as I sat in my drive way… ‘Should I even bother getting out of the van?’ Flashed in my mind and then…JUST KEEP GOING… so I did…BUSY BUSY BUSY…till the day ended… trying to but never succeeding in out running the thoughts…
I am not saying I have a self image issue people… just that like most people, and mothers for sure, I let the guilt build up sometimes, of not being as good as other mothers and it blocks all the good in my life from getting to light.
My problem was I wasn’t holding these thoughts up into the light. Grabbing them as they came and exposing them for the foolishness they are so they kept building and I wasn’t noticing…
Weariness resulted and the cycle of it all just kept spinning around. You start to feel like resisting is too hard… but it hasn’t come to blood shed (verse 4) and even then MY GOD IS BIGGER! Thoughts are no match for my GOD!
Every mother assumes they are the one bad mother out there at some point and probably most wives as well but this will not keep me down because I am not a wife and mother first… I am a CHILD OF CHRIST, NEW CREATION IN CHRIST first.
I will look to Jesus and feel the weariness, dripping with nasty thoughts, fade into the irrelevant and I will remember all Christ has done for me!
My God is a consuming fire and he can burn away all these weedy thoughts that have been blocking all the good fruit in my life from getting light!
MY GOD IS A CONSUMING FIRE (also in Hebrews chapter 12).
Bless you!
TTFN
oh becky, i’m sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down. i head a feeling that something was up. you are a wonderful momma and your kids and husband are so blessed to have you. don’t ever let yourself think anything other than that cause THAT’s what God thinks of you… and His opinion is the only one that matters.
just as your verse for today says, “He did it for the joy”… He endured the cross so we could have joy, cause that’s what brings Him joy. He intended for His creation to live in fullness of joy.
it just shows how important second corinthians 10:5 is when it talks about casting down imaginations and bringing captives our thoughts into the obedience of Christ… {also of who we are in Christ!}
glad to see you’re trading in your weariness for a crown of joy.
love ya, sistah!
Esther I appreciate you SO much… I was thinking of that exact verse but couldn’t remember where to find it. Often I am given a verse and can’t find it then a sister or brother will find it for me:) LOVE THAT!
So sorry you’ve been feeling out of sorts. :~(
I like your new blog header! :~)