For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
~Psalm 62:5 (ESV)~
Quiet is now found in my days. Silence, a much desired prize only so shortly ago when my crew of kids were younger, is something I have had to go through mixed feelings about once found.
Thirteen years at home with between one and four kids always under foot made me a very very thankful lady when silence could be found. I remember just last year feeling like even when it supposedly appeared I couldn’t really believe it was silence while living in the city. Just beyond my walls I could still feel the flood of moving people and vehicles, could still hear the roar of traffic and all the other sounds everyone living in the city usually becomes accustomed to as back ground noise. I was able to half heartedly blame my cycles of lack luster prayer life on my inability to find quiet, or more accurately my inability to accept the level of back ground noise that was normal for a city neighborhood. Flash forward to today and the kids are all in school for the day, my small town seems remarkable quiet and my only physical company is a rarely yappy dog, who is more like a cat in the winter… He naps in his bed all day, only moving to lay in the sun beams that move around the house while the day progresses or to nap on his favorite floor heater vent.
For the first few months of this VOLUME change I felt the healing in it and more then happily caught up on rest in body and mind. Then I slowly got a little lonely and a little distracted and a little unmotivated and a little uncomfortable with the break from noise that came each and every week day. The discomfort lead me to contemplating filling it and many of the options to do that made me feel insecure so I did nothing. Lack luster prayer life followed and this generally reflected a type of subtle depression I usually don’t consciously recognise fast enough. After all, how can I be down when I am so truly thankful for my break during the day, my calm little town, my big old house… all the changes the Lord has walked us through this past year till dropping us off where we are presently? I enjoy so much in life so why was the quiet so unsettling? I told myself I am only uncomfortable because the daily change in sound level is so very drastic.
THE DEPARTURE is a wall of noise leaving with my husband (out the door to work) immediately followed by my four kids and the two neighborhood kids that spend each school day morning with us, running off to morning classes. If Riddick, my dog, is awake we usually look at each other for a while before even moving away from the front door… the front door having been slammed repeatedly in such a short time then left totally and completely stilled… Hours of quiet and relative stillness follow until the final school bell signals the return… … THE RETURN is just as dramatic, the kids burst in the door, yelling, fighting, throwing things every where, demanding food, avoiding home work, demanding help with homework, demanding tv and video games and friends over and more food.
Even the very good changes have ripple affects that aren’t always so nice. I miss many people… there I said it… and the introverted me wasn’t putting effort into getting to know my new people… When it is quiet it means the kids and the husband don’t need me so I miss them… and as I sit in quiet I miss my far off family members and my dear friends I have so recently moved away from…
Instead of panicking and jumping into doing just to be DOING I think BEING sounds better…maybe part of that will be finding a little more time to be with people beyond my little family nest… and maybe I can remember all the things I did before kids that I found joy in and try picking them up again or find the things I have desired to try and give them a go.
BUT FIRST!!
Be still, and know that I am God… ~Psalm 46:10 (ASV)~
I am going to wait on Jesus. Ultimately I have been growing in the practice of surrender… this is just another opportunity to practice by not being a perfectionist about my time, seeking patience instead of productivity as a higher quality to be attained and to find contentment in surrendering each and every day to Christ’s schedule. This available quiet time is just another step in getting good at letting the Lord lead me.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, And he will direct thy paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6 (ASV)~
TTFN
Lady Mac an Rothaich
