I knew I wanted a baby. He knew he wanted a big family… and of course that starts with babies. We were both young. We didn’t live as a married couple for more then a year before we had our first child and so we grew up raising kids, in a way. I was ready…him… perhaps not so much.
The first think I noticed about children is they push you, to be more patient, to be more selfless, to sacrifice. They also push at moms and dads. It is easy to loose touch with your spouse once there is a new member of the family to get to know and to make welcome.
Marriages can be strained by the arrival of children but I think a sure fire way to avoid that is to be one anothers best friend. Garnet and I started out as friends and have remained best friends as well as lovers. Parenting made that more tricky and at first as he continued to do his young man thing we drifted apart as I did my young mom thing. The best thing we ever did for our marriage, during that time of life, was to start integrating him into every little thing in babies world.
By baby number three he got it, that there was plenty of things he could do with the baby too and the attachment becomes stronger faster for him the more he is involved. I also got it, to let him help and not be too controlling about how I wanted things done. He had to brave a world more familiar to moms perhaps and I had to share our babies.
Not only did this increase the quality of his relationship with our kids, girls and boys alike, but it brought back that best friend relationship between he and I. I wasn’t doing it all and he wasn’t feeling put on the shelf. We were working together, trouble shooting as a team. Conversation between us and time together was far more frequent as he became more a part of my busy baby filled world.
The marriage relationship should never be put on the back burner, even for the kids, because it will hurt them long term too if mom and dads relationship suffer. We found it can be tricky to find time and energy for one another OFTEN ENOUGH if you divide the mom and dad work strictly and traditionally. New mom and dads need to find their parent groove together. Don’t be too worried about how you always thought it should be and instead worry about being in one anothers day to day world. You are going to need one another!
TTFN
“I also got it, to let him help and not be too controlling about how I wanted things done. He had to brave a world more familiar to moms perhaps and I had to share our babies.”
SOoooo true!!!
We’d been married only two years when our first came along. I’ll never forget trying to tell Daniel, on the day we brought Annemarie home from the hospital, how to change her diaper correctly. He looked me squarely in the eye and said, “And how much longer have you been a parent than I?”
He was a “stay at home dad” with her 1/2-time for the first two years of her life. He was committed to NOT imitating the absent fathering that had been modeled for him, and to this day he looks back on those two years as some of the sweetest in his life.
I love your wisdom Mac an Rothaich! You are a smart Mom, and a very smart wife:
I also got it, to let him help and not be too controlling about how I wanted things done. He had to brave a world more familiar to moms perhaps and I had to share our babies.
I wish more young Moms knew this, or could read your post. Good job!
As always, thanks for joining us for Marriage Monday today.
Hugs, e-Mom ღ
P.S. LOL, I see that Cheri liked this line too. Very well done.
I remember right before giving birth to my first baby, I told my husband that I didn’t know how to change a diaper, that I knew nothing, and that we were equals. Plus, I said that after giving birth I would be in a much worse state than he was, so he would be superior to me, as far as interacting with the baby. I’m so glad I said this because he has been so involved with each of our babies.
I love this!! Although I am past the point of babyhood….i have the college girl and junior high girl…I was like you…i wasn’t “letting” my husband help much because I was a bit controlling about how i wanted things done. By age 3 months, I had changed my tune! i LOVED when Dave helped with diapering (we did cloth and he was MUCH better at it than me..and he remembered to put out the bin for the diaper man every monday 🙂 ) He also got up with me during the nite when I nursed….oh how this kept us close. Now that the girls are older, I am finding that it is taking even more creative ways to stay close and have time for each other. Thanks for sharing this! so helpful and full of wisdom!!
So glad you figured this out. The parents’ relationship is critical to the entire family’s health.