All posts in Bits Of My Personality

Secure… in Christ alone…

by admin on August 23, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Life Keeps Changing with No comments


Insecure –not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious



And as the tests and the visits to doctors and health care workers of every kind increase I remain insecure as in the definition, listed above, to a tee. Been wondering why the flood of emotions about everything comes only when I am attending yet another test or appointment and then I realised I was feeling exactly that, insecure. Not sure if they will find anything, not sure if it is worth it and not sure I like feeling like a SICK person. Not sure how I am too feel or handle all this… stressing on this as I contemplate others in my family, who have faced worse, how they have and would handle it ‘better’ then me.

Flipped out a couple times and not with the expected ‘why me’ moments, but with a sense of ‘WHAT THE’… insecurity… in the system, in my self… in those who love me… Is it right? Is it wrong of me? Is it anyone elses place to answer that question for me?

Going through a learning curve here and meeting some parts of me that perhaps only having two mysterious health conditions could bring forth for examination. I do know I was getting depressed about it all. It took the beautiful words of two Christian musicians to hug, not snap, me out of it. Like a comforting embrace I was flooded with encouragement that no matter how far down I go, even behavioral wise, I am unconditionally love by my Jesus… flooded with encouragement in being not alone, being understood and being allowed to deal with this as it comes… I came home today feeling indeed loved despite all my physical and emotional wrinkles and issues of late.

I have hope in the beauty I see in other un-whole people I see around me, for this is not so unique as we all would like to believe, beauty that was a refining of character in Christ. I too can attain this beauty in adversity, as they did. I can shine as they do and bless as they bless me… and hang on for now to my Jesus, coping with this new twist in a life of twists… a life that will always have its issues because this is earth… not heaven…

whole – not broken, damaged, or impaired; intact

… Are any of us really whole in this life?



TTFN

Smirk At Me WILL YOU!!!!???

by admin on August 23, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Do I Call It Parenting Advice?, Four Little Eggs In My Nest with 1 Comment

So I had one of those days yesterday… the kind that makes me wanna trade in my kids for monkeys and have a rest… or QUIT and go back to work! “YOU think I am trapped here! I can quit if I wanna! …kinda… I CAN GO BACK TO WORK WHEN EVER I WANNA… kinda…” was heard at one point I am sure… in a raised voice…

“Don’t look at me like that! I can do attitude too!”

“TIME OUT!”

“GO TO YOUR ROOM!”

“STAY IN YOUR ROOM!”

“STOP ATTACKING YOUR SISTER!”

“DON’T BITE YOUR BROTHER!”

“Get that out of your mouth! NO, put it in the garbage! OH GROSS!”

“Oh for Pete’s sake WHAT IS THIS!”

“YUCK! You are grossing your mother OUT HERE!”

“GET DOWN!”

“STOP ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR AND SSSSSSSSTTTTOOOOPPP SCREAMING!!”

“… oh bother… no one is listening are they…??”

I was out of breath before lunch…

Today was different though… I thought of everything I could take away AND I DID and then, cuz they where still smirking at me, I hatched a plan. I woke my kids up at dawn, even the littlest two, marched them out to the breakfast table with a smile, feed them and gave them the schedule for the day… a strictly laid out schedule involving plenty of chores…

Funny but they’re in much better moods today and no one is attacking one another or mouthing off to me,

…and I am still smiling.

THOSE DAYS do end:)

TTFN

SUMMER TIME!

by admin on July 21, 2011 in Adventure and Me, Bits Of My Personality with 2 Comments


Can you believe it? I hardly can! I have given myself time off the blog and I am traveling in the real world, he he he, not just blog world! This will be a summer to remember!

BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL!

TTFN

Withdrawal

by admin on July 6, 2011 in Adventure and Me, Bits Of My Personality, Four Little Eggs In My Nest, Life Keeps Changing, Little Things, The Jogger Within?, The Pet with 1 Comment
(A RELATED THOUGHT… or perhaps not… but wanted to share…
Everyday as I head outside I see these daisies… and many many more… all over my front lawn… SO IS LIFE, they seem to say to me… they are unplanned for and not socially acceptable all over my lawn… but… sorry neighbors they are the very reason I mow my front lawn infrequently. I far prefer these hearty and lovely little flowers to the sad brown grass that tries to survive under my glorious trees. I didn’t plan for my lawn to be any different from the neighbors but these little beauties are all that survives well and they are much prettier then what I would have controlled into being.)

Wow do I need to write!! I feel like all the fabulous moments my kids and I are experiencing are fading into oblivion without my having the ability to record and think them through on the family blog. Thankfully I haven’t needed a lot of de-stress blogging so I have been okay with letting this public blog lie… letting the sleeping blog lie… hmmmm, I like that… anyhow.

I need to be okay with the risk of memory lose as I have no personal computer to update so frequently. I need to just grab this summer by the… heat waves…. ??… and GO WITH IT! This is where life is right now! No computer for me and so I must cope with the blogging withdrawal and continue on.SUMMER, by the way, has been absolutely fabulous so far! The big kids are at camp and I am spoiling the smaller two. Garnet and I are getting lots of alone time and the dog is getting fun in the sun with an even more active me. I am not letting the specialist appointments slow me down. We, meaning Riddick THE DOG and I, are back to short jogs each morning and enjoying the energy boost that that provides.

(‘gasp’ a jogging photo… kinda… me right after a run, looking good cuz I took down my sweaty pony tail before picture was snapped, he he he)

There have been gallons of iced tea drank already, plenty of patio time, fun stops at parks, pools and more. The garden is doing super well in spite of the water ban. What else can I add? Going north to the grand folks with my crew next week and hope to put some deliciously northern snap shots on here soon enough and the fun continues after that trip with tea parties, camp for me and my two babies, a tenting weekend and swimming lessons.How will I cope with school starting again?

TTFN

Updates and TIME

by admin on June 25, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Dem Kids Sayed WHAT?, Do I Call It Parenting Advice?, Feeling It (Thankful), The Jogger Within? with 1 Comment
(SUMMER!)

I am not accustom to catch up posts, but with the death of my personal computer I have been left with no choice but to put a little update up and do the best I can with borrowed time on other persons computers.

Things have been up and down in the health department. I am currently finding it a struggle to get into the specialists I need to see, because of how unusual my birth defect is, most doctors don’t seem to understand how it works or what it is exactly. HOWEVER, I have been able to get into the specialist for my families genetic disease and that is a big relief. I can honestly say I have a next step and plan to get things done that need to be done for me and that is a long way from my overwhelmed feelings and dread of the idea that I might have to be a squeaky wheel.

With school wrapping up just around the bend I am so very pumped about summer. We have been finding plenty of excuses to get outside, from meals on the patio more often this year to going to more community events. We just got back from an art sidewalk sale in a near by neighborhood. It made for a lovely weekend afternoon for the kids and I. I had just got back from a run and had more then enough enthusiasm to head out with the kids for the majority of the day.

Speaking of my run… ah it is a lovely part of my life right now. I find I bound out of bed on the days I get to run at the river with my girlfriends. There is so much activity down there, it is so beautiful, it just inspires me to get out more, in our city. Today was special because I have been pretty sick for a bit and couldn’t get out like I enjoy. It felt extra good to get out there. I opened my runners shoe box and smiled. I sighed as I said, under my breath, “I missed them.” The house was all still asleep, or so I thought, Garnet heard me and snickered I am sure… I like my running shoes and so I suppose I am becoming a passionate jogger.

As I was waiting in the back yard for my ride I heard a window open and saw a little face peek out at me from his bed. “What are you doing mama,” my oldest boy asked?

“I am going for my run dear”, I couldn’t get over how cute his sleepy face was.

“Oh yeah. Are those your new shoes” he asked with a wide eyed look?!

“Yes. Do you like them?”

“They are so cool” he sleepily said with a nod.

I was keenly aware of the example I was setting for my kids, thanks to his and my little exchange. Mom being active has become a regular thing for my children now. They expect me to have a long hike or run early every Saturday. My parents where both very active outdoor sportsmen and hard working farm folk so I had an excellent example growing up too. With our city lifestyle I have had to find a very different way to set an example for my crew, but I am glad I have found it. Not that their Dad isn’t a superb example too. He is an avid mountain biker and a dedicated road bicyclist. I hope they will find healthy activities that they enjoy and can make a regular part of their lifestyle.

A little bit by choice, and a little bit thrust upon me, I am thankfully pulling back lately. I find the city life hard, but I am focusing on making it work for me, instead of me working for it… I am learning about how much I need personal space and CALM mom and kid time… like what I had back in the day, when we lived in a small prairie town. I am learning more about myself and my kids all the time… while I take the time… and I am enjoying time NOW!

TTFN

You Shan’t Hear Me Singing “Rain, Rain, Go Away!”

by admin on June 17, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Book Flavor, Feeling It (Thankful), Life Keeps Changing with No comments
Or “come again another day!” for that matter 🙂

( The little ones of the house have been lulled to sleep by the drumming of the rain out our windows. )

Thanking my God for rainy days right now. We are in the middle of a water ban, right after I planted my little garden plot, but the Lord has provided and even though my hands are tied about watering the baby seeds, there’s already signs of green life in my patch of dirt.

Oh, I can find many more reasons to be thankful for rainy days. Grey days reek havoc on my emotional state, whether I want to admit it or not, but when the clouds burst forth in rain I feel a weight lifted and I can be heard letting a deep down sigh of relief out. It is pouring so beautifully today that I can hear it all around me, though I sit happily dry and cozy in my living room. It caught us just coming home from more errands. The little ones and I got very wet very fast, giggles came naturally as the water streamed down our noses and through our hair. We laughed all the way to the back door.

Mostly I am thankful for the rain because it gives me a sense of relief… that it is okay to stay home and just enjoy my little house and my kids. I feel like it is a good excuse to just relax and read and drink tea.Today I am indulging in an audio book! I haven’t done this before but I couldn’t find a copy of C.S. Lewis’s ‘Problem with Pain’ in the library system, all they had was the audio book and so I grabbed it. I am actually very interested as to how it will go, lounging on the chaise, watching the rain, listening to the book read to me… I fear I will fall asleep simply because of the delicious comfort and peace of it all… and not because of the literature itself for I always find Lewis engaging. One isn’t forced to keep ones eyes open (or in my case eye) to enjoy the book when it is a recording.

Bits and bites about my years of fatigue and feeling rotten have ended up on my blog but I usually keep it about the weak days… I don’t like to talk about the anxious days. Fact is I seem to burn myself up on my good energy days and then I have a day or more where I just can’t move which is followed by feelings of inadequacy. Rainy days slow me down, give me permission to ignore my ‘go go GO’ mind and this is why I am truly thankful for the rain today.

On a more positive note, the ball is rolling in regards to my health and the health care system. Specialist appointments are popping up and I am relieved. They will likely lead to more and more appointments as we FINALLY work out not just the genetic disease I have, but the good bad day roller coaster I ride as well.

Thank you Jesus for rain, for how it brings me peace and makes my garden grow. Truly I planted the seeds but you made the increase! This daughter loves you so!

“when pain is to be born, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the love of God more than all.”
~C.S. Lewis (The Problem of Pain)

TTFN

Beginner Jogger

by admin on June 15, 2011 in Adventure and Me, Bits Of My Personality, Life Keeps Changing, The Jogger Within?, The Pet with 1 Comment

I have avoided calling myself a “jogger” for a long time… I kept saying I am just getting into it… just trying to be active, nothing more… but the fact is I can honestly say I now LIKE IT! I really do! It took the whole winter but I feel confident enough to call myself a jogger… or at least to be open to telling people I jog.

Steps to Jogging Confidence
(these are my steps… you know, what was in my head when I set out to master jogging… going from HATING IT to ENJOYING IT)

1) Proving to yourself that you are disciplined, that it isn’t just a fad and that you are not a fraud…

Joggers have a reputation. They are strong, disciplined and really passionate. I didn’t wanna be a joke and jump into calling myself a jogger too quickly, so this is why proving I had the discipline to keep it up was important to me. Started jogging shortly after getting our dog, Riddick, to keep him well exercised. When I started to see benefits in my health it became something for me too. I got up almost daily and jogged with my dog before the kids awoke (around six). I managed to maintain this for the whole winter. The discipline it took alone to getting up and out there made me feel pretty good about myself.

2) Being willing to be spotted jogging.

Long before jogging myself, I always spotted them. I followed their form and wondered about their style of run and their outfits… So going from early, and dark, morning jogs to doing it during the light of day was stressful for me. Thankfully I was able to start into this stage while still in my frumpy winter gear. I didn’t want to be spotted doing a shot-y job of what is called jogging. What if my running form looks like the funky chicken and I just don’t know?! Daylight brought out self confidence issues in the jogger me, but the harder step was letting the bulky winter wear go and dawning the work out gear for warmer weather

3) Buying and wearing those tight work out outfits.

I like mary janes (a type of shoe, flats) and dresses, big flow-y dresses… not a sporty girl… sooooo the sporty gear sure was intimating and felt so foreign when I started wearing it. I just had to tell myself over and over to stand up straight and suck it in baby!

It was also really hard for me to invest the cash on shoes that weren’t super cute. My very sporty biking husband informed the clerk “DON’T let her pick based on how they look!” The clerk informed him she had a lot of colorful types that no one else wanted and was more then thrilled to pawn them off on someone like me. This made me grin. They are as cute as sneakers can get, I assume, COLORFUL and very comfortable. (Pssst! Did I mention they match the little jogging skirt I had picked up just before the shoe clinic visit?! Don’t tell my husband!)

4) Jogging socially!

I have no idea why I put this off to last?!! Jogging with girl friends has turned out to be one of THE BEST parts of jogging! We have a beautiful river side city to enjoy and company really helps you go longer without getting side tracked. Is this why people get ipods and listen to inspiring music as they jog? I haven’t tried that yet, but since I am not a highly competitive sort I will often cut jogs short, when I am alone, because I get bored or my mind leads me on to other things and pretty soon I feel drawn away from my work out. Anyhow, the girls inspire me. I really look forward to our weekend jogs together! We have a beautiful route along the river and over a couple of the bridges. It doesn’t hurt that this route just happens to lead us to an award winning coffee shop at the end.

(The coffee!)

Well this is all I have for now. Ramblings of everything that has been bobbing around in my head since I started this adventure. I am a happy person in my body and all the more as I continue to exercise regularly.

P.s. Sorry, no jogging pictures of myself or my jogging pals… speaking of confidence… I don’t know about them but I don’t think I am ready for a jogging self photo on my blog yet:)

TTFN

Gardening and Love

by admin on June 11, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Foodie Like Me, Life Keeps Changing, My Romance, People In My Heart with 2 Comments
(My DAD and I.)

My parents surprised me with a short visit and a day of shopping for my garden plot. I was so blessed by them paying for my seeds and plants, as well as a few other garden supplies! What a gift! It is like our whole garden is now a living present from my mom and dad! My littlest two and I went out to the green houses with them a couple days ago and it was a lovely morning. It left me eager to get those plants and seeds in the dirt and I was super glad to find the time yesterday.Time to put on grubbies and get our hands dirty. Time to get our garden in for the summer!

What is as romantic as your man willingly helping you with the garden on your anniversary?! Garnet and I celebrated 11 years yesterday and four hours of that kid-less day (kid-less do to help from family) was spent in the dirt. At the end of it all my man mentioned what a great idea a community garden is and he even mentioned his interest in gardening has been peeked because of the community aspect. He found joy in gardening!! WIN:)

Here are all my plants, seeds and supplies loaded up in the bike trailer to be transported to the community garden down the street. Garnet took the dog and met me there. There was a great deal of work to do and I was super thankful for Garnets muscle and no kid distractions or interruptions while we got er done!

It was really special watching others working on their plots as we worked on ours, sharing the tools with neighbors and chatting it up with other gardeners as well as curious passers by!

We had to dig out our path ways (a rule of the garden committees) and then we had to set up our dirt and top soil for planting. We then put the plants in and finally got down in the dirt to get the seeds in. Finished off with a healthy watering and before we knew it it had been four hours of work and we where hungry and ready for supper.

FINISHED!

The advice mom and dad gave us was as valuable as the supplies! This garden was bought and payed for by people who love my man and I… and our kids, planted with the man I love (and who loves me) and grown to feed the kids Garnet and I love!

There where times this spring when I was sure the plot wouldn’t work out for me… I wouldn’t get one or if I did I wouldn’t be able to use it… well we have come a long way now. There is a lot more work ahead, to keep this garden healthy, but I am just so pleased with the sense of relaxation I get from gardening, the sense of community it brings being part of this big garden with many plots and with the love that brought the garden together… for me.

TTFN

Get Going With the Pink Bike and the Trailer

by admin on June 7, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Contest, Four Little Eggs In My Nest, Life Keeps Changing, Little Things with 6 Comments
(Photo courtesy of my four year old and her knack for cutting my head of in pictures.)

I was THRILLED about the play date we had booked for this a.m. because it gave me a good reason to set up the bike and trailer and kick off using it this summer. I always wish I had more opportunities then I do each year to get it out! It will not be long before the kids are too big for it! Anyhow, play date was in our old neighborhood. I love this area for biking because of all the pretty cat walks. We had a lovely ride there but on the way back I was in a hurry, the wind was no longer at my back and the trek is up hill back home so I was pretty much warn out when we got back. I love my pink beauty but it sure doesn’t help that it has no gears at such a time.

CONTEST
Speaking of my beautiful ride, she needs a pet name! So I am putting it out there and starting a contest on both my blogs. If I get a good name idea, for my bike, from a reader I will send you a little something.

Align CenterHave a lovely JUNE day!

TTFN

Enter the Wimp

by admin on June 2, 2011 in Better Check Out Links, Bits Of My Personality with No comments
(The unusual apple trees we have in our yard are almost unnoticeable from the yard, because they are hidden by our row of healthy cedars… but leave through the back gate and have a look from the alley and you have something so much bigger then you would have thought… beautiful!)

Okay…

so let me get this straight…

I have to fight for myself…

with in the health care system…

I am sorry… I am writing these incoherent thoughts after a walk to try and clear my head… which came after a rant that didn’t help it make sense and all that after a day of trying to de-stress about it… which was needed after the second call where I was treated like a pain in the ass for asking for help and advice and some clarity from health care workers… which followed, of course, the diagnosis and wanting to know ‘what next’…

To be honest… I am intimidated… don’t like the idea of ‘fighting for myself’ in this area…

The best I can come up with is perhaps cliché to some but it is all I’ve got right now… cuz I certainly don’t feel strong enough to fight at present…like everything else I am going to give this to Jesus and pray for his words and timing in relation to this and just trust… cuz this gut wrenching stuff is not even close to a healthy alternative…

TTFN

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