All posts in Feeling It (Thankful)

Favorite Delusion

by admin on September 2, 2011 in Better Check Out Links, Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Music Flavor, People In My Heart with No comments

We all like to think we are in control… we think this idea is what carries us through the day, how we cope…

We are so fragile, we are so diluted if we think we are in control.

There are those of us who have been painfully awaken, all naivety removed, as the control is so obviously taken from our grasp…we find our way through the day, we cope, with Christ’s strength.

“It’s out of my hands

There’s nothing I can do

The best laid plans

Again have fallen through

I thought my world

Was under my command

Now I can’t believe

Just how glad I am

It’s out of my hands

My favourite delusion

I must control the universe

Failure brings freedom

You are God, and I’m not so…”

~CAROLYN ARENDS

TTFN

It’s Not Locked

by admin on August 30, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Life Keeps Changing with No comments

Is a comfort zone really comfortable? I am starting to wonder…

Seems like an illusion or an oxymoron of some kind because, in my case, my comfort zones are only slightly comfortable until someone points them out. Then the bubble bursts and I feel super uncomfortable. Can’t tell yourself you are brave when your fears come to light. They are about as comfortable as a prison, a prison that we let ourselves forget about… until someone comes up and says “So why are you sitting in here? It isn’t locked you know… You are free in Christ so just step out?”

I had one of those moments this morning and it was FABULOUS! Well not fab at first… at first I got really embarrassed about my comfort zone and tried to defend it… then on the way home I was confronted with the fact that I already agreed with Christ that it was time to leave that zone behind and yet it had slipped my mind till a friend, unknowingly, pointed out the prison/comfort zone… I am still sitting in it!! I went from being embarrassed about it to being frustrated, and all in one contemplative car ride home.

I must point out I have been taking steps… but this mornings conversation made me think they had only gotten me across, not out, of the zone. I had this strange feeling that now that I could admit this was fear that Christ wants me to take a Christ sized step… meaning I am not doing this on my own anymore but trusting in him…By the time I got home I was renewing my agreement with Christ. Time to take some action… time to RUN outta this prison… now to pray about how to go about that:)

I am so thankful for moments of clarity brought on when visiting with a brother or sister in the Lord. I am so thankful to be once again aware and ready to step out of this comfort zone. I can admit this has to do with fear more then keeping myself comfortable and I need not have fear with Jesus in my life!

TTFN

Secure… in Christ alone…

by admin on August 23, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Life Keeps Changing with No comments


Insecure –not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious



And as the tests and the visits to doctors and health care workers of every kind increase I remain insecure as in the definition, listed above, to a tee. Been wondering why the flood of emotions about everything comes only when I am attending yet another test or appointment and then I realised I was feeling exactly that, insecure. Not sure if they will find anything, not sure if it is worth it and not sure I like feeling like a SICK person. Not sure how I am too feel or handle all this… stressing on this as I contemplate others in my family, who have faced worse, how they have and would handle it ‘better’ then me.

Flipped out a couple times and not with the expected ‘why me’ moments, but with a sense of ‘WHAT THE’… insecurity… in the system, in my self… in those who love me… Is it right? Is it wrong of me? Is it anyone elses place to answer that question for me?

Going through a learning curve here and meeting some parts of me that perhaps only having two mysterious health conditions could bring forth for examination. I do know I was getting depressed about it all. It took the beautiful words of two Christian musicians to hug, not snap, me out of it. Like a comforting embrace I was flooded with encouragement that no matter how far down I go, even behavioral wise, I am unconditionally love by my Jesus… flooded with encouragement in being not alone, being understood and being allowed to deal with this as it comes… I came home today feeling indeed loved despite all my physical and emotional wrinkles and issues of late.

I have hope in the beauty I see in other un-whole people I see around me, for this is not so unique as we all would like to believe, beauty that was a refining of character in Christ. I too can attain this beauty in adversity, as they did. I can shine as they do and bless as they bless me… and hang on for now to my Jesus, coping with this new twist in a life of twists… a life that will always have its issues because this is earth… not heaven…

whole – not broken, damaged, or impaired; intact

… Are any of us really whole in this life?



TTFN

Updates and TIME

by admin on June 25, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Dem Kids Sayed WHAT?, Do I Call It Parenting Advice?, Feeling It (Thankful), The Jogger Within? with 1 Comment
(SUMMER!)

I am not accustom to catch up posts, but with the death of my personal computer I have been left with no choice but to put a little update up and do the best I can with borrowed time on other persons computers.

Things have been up and down in the health department. I am currently finding it a struggle to get into the specialists I need to see, because of how unusual my birth defect is, most doctors don’t seem to understand how it works or what it is exactly. HOWEVER, I have been able to get into the specialist for my families genetic disease and that is a big relief. I can honestly say I have a next step and plan to get things done that need to be done for me and that is a long way from my overwhelmed feelings and dread of the idea that I might have to be a squeaky wheel.

With school wrapping up just around the bend I am so very pumped about summer. We have been finding plenty of excuses to get outside, from meals on the patio more often this year to going to more community events. We just got back from an art sidewalk sale in a near by neighborhood. It made for a lovely weekend afternoon for the kids and I. I had just got back from a run and had more then enough enthusiasm to head out with the kids for the majority of the day.

Speaking of my run… ah it is a lovely part of my life right now. I find I bound out of bed on the days I get to run at the river with my girlfriends. There is so much activity down there, it is so beautiful, it just inspires me to get out more, in our city. Today was special because I have been pretty sick for a bit and couldn’t get out like I enjoy. It felt extra good to get out there. I opened my runners shoe box and smiled. I sighed as I said, under my breath, “I missed them.” The house was all still asleep, or so I thought, Garnet heard me and snickered I am sure… I like my running shoes and so I suppose I am becoming a passionate jogger.

As I was waiting in the back yard for my ride I heard a window open and saw a little face peek out at me from his bed. “What are you doing mama,” my oldest boy asked?

“I am going for my run dear”, I couldn’t get over how cute his sleepy face was.

“Oh yeah. Are those your new shoes” he asked with a wide eyed look?!

“Yes. Do you like them?”

“They are so cool” he sleepily said with a nod.

I was keenly aware of the example I was setting for my kids, thanks to his and my little exchange. Mom being active has become a regular thing for my children now. They expect me to have a long hike or run early every Saturday. My parents where both very active outdoor sportsmen and hard working farm folk so I had an excellent example growing up too. With our city lifestyle I have had to find a very different way to set an example for my crew, but I am glad I have found it. Not that their Dad isn’t a superb example too. He is an avid mountain biker and a dedicated road bicyclist. I hope they will find healthy activities that they enjoy and can make a regular part of their lifestyle.

A little bit by choice, and a little bit thrust upon me, I am thankfully pulling back lately. I find the city life hard, but I am focusing on making it work for me, instead of me working for it… I am learning about how much I need personal space and CALM mom and kid time… like what I had back in the day, when we lived in a small prairie town. I am learning more about myself and my kids all the time… while I take the time… and I am enjoying time NOW!

TTFN

You Shan’t Hear Me Singing “Rain, Rain, Go Away!”

by admin on June 17, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Book Flavor, Feeling It (Thankful), Life Keeps Changing with No comments
Or “come again another day!” for that matter 🙂

( The little ones of the house have been lulled to sleep by the drumming of the rain out our windows. )

Thanking my God for rainy days right now. We are in the middle of a water ban, right after I planted my little garden plot, but the Lord has provided and even though my hands are tied about watering the baby seeds, there’s already signs of green life in my patch of dirt.

Oh, I can find many more reasons to be thankful for rainy days. Grey days reek havoc on my emotional state, whether I want to admit it or not, but when the clouds burst forth in rain I feel a weight lifted and I can be heard letting a deep down sigh of relief out. It is pouring so beautifully today that I can hear it all around me, though I sit happily dry and cozy in my living room. It caught us just coming home from more errands. The little ones and I got very wet very fast, giggles came naturally as the water streamed down our noses and through our hair. We laughed all the way to the back door.

Mostly I am thankful for the rain because it gives me a sense of relief… that it is okay to stay home and just enjoy my little house and my kids. I feel like it is a good excuse to just relax and read and drink tea.Today I am indulging in an audio book! I haven’t done this before but I couldn’t find a copy of C.S. Lewis’s ‘Problem with Pain’ in the library system, all they had was the audio book and so I grabbed it. I am actually very interested as to how it will go, lounging on the chaise, watching the rain, listening to the book read to me… I fear I will fall asleep simply because of the delicious comfort and peace of it all… and not because of the literature itself for I always find Lewis engaging. One isn’t forced to keep ones eyes open (or in my case eye) to enjoy the book when it is a recording.

Bits and bites about my years of fatigue and feeling rotten have ended up on my blog but I usually keep it about the weak days… I don’t like to talk about the anxious days. Fact is I seem to burn myself up on my good energy days and then I have a day or more where I just can’t move which is followed by feelings of inadequacy. Rainy days slow me down, give me permission to ignore my ‘go go GO’ mind and this is why I am truly thankful for the rain today.

On a more positive note, the ball is rolling in regards to my health and the health care system. Specialist appointments are popping up and I am relieved. They will likely lead to more and more appointments as we FINALLY work out not just the genetic disease I have, but the good bad day roller coaster I ride as well.

Thank you Jesus for rain, for how it brings me peace and makes my garden grow. Truly I planted the seeds but you made the increase! This daughter loves you so!

“when pain is to be born, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the love of God more than all.”
~C.S. Lewis (The Problem of Pain)

TTFN

Weary

by admin on May 30, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful), Life Keeps Changing with 1 Comment
Not the only woman to feel and become weary and wish to stop thinking and feeling for a bit but I am gonna just keep loving even though it hurts, for my own sake as well as for others. I am actually physically warn out though… as a result of the mental run around going on and the throbbing heart in my chest…

I look at my kids and my man and my dog and I remember joy and peace.

I resolve this week to look past the pain and do what I do because I like doing it!

I am going to clean up my house and do my laundry with blaring pumped up music, like I always do on Mondays.
I am going to go out and socialize with people who invest in my soul, as I often do on Tuesdays.
I am going to explore a park and the market with my littlest two, as I look forward to doing each Wednesday.
I am going to hang laundry in my pretty back yard and back bread in my cozy home, as I delight to do on Thursdays.I am going to find a coffee or tea date for Friday, as I tend to do; as if to wrap up my week with a treat.
I am going to try a little something new this week, as my adventurous side gets excited about, and start jogging with my dog again, as my practical side urges me to do… I AM GONNA DO!

Lol, just keep swimming, just keep swimming… wasn’t it a little blue cartoon fish who spoke those words of wisdom?

Bring on the week, the work and the fun can blur into one if I am moving with joints lubricated with love and joy in the Lord.

TTFN

Not Special

by admin on May 24, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful) with No comments

Attention, when it comes to my health, makes me beyond uncomfortable. I had a hard time announcing my pregnancies in person and usually got my husband to do it…

Born with a birth defect I have spent much of my life trying to be included in the normal category… I soon realised that there is no normal and that we are all broken in some way. This made me decide invisible was a good choice. I worked hard, in my youth, at being unnoticeable and thanks to the in-obvious nature of my birth defect I was really successful at not being pointed out for this fact of my life.

I started to share about the birth defect with more people once I was older, because I really do see the miracle in it all. Based on the diagnosis my mom was given when I was born I am a walking talking miracle… It was painfully soon that I learned to hold back on the amount of information I gave. People got WEIRD in their reactions and responses. Some would all of a sudden treat me as fragile, others would make jokes… and although I don’t mind slip up comments about my birth defect I am not big on being mocked with jokes about it… and all so often I got very judgmental comments about being content in living with it.

Well… after years of trying to be indistinguishable amidst my circle of acquaintances I have recently been diagnosed with another reason for attention. While the specialists wondered how I felt about being saddled with a genetic disease I was only thinking about one thing… oh great, now I have to figure out how to painlessly tell everyone…. As far as I know, the other kids in the family from my generation have all had negative results for the gene.

All I can say is I am not special! We are all broken, we all die of something at some time and we all pass on and are passed the death gene by our parents.

The final thing I want to say is my God is good, all the time, Jesus is GOOD.

TTFN

Confess, Serve, We Are A Body

by admin on May 12, 2011 in Feeling It (Thankful), People In My Heart with No comments
( These feet belong to my oldest boy.
Every now and then I let one of my kids stay up late and I wash there feet. The church I attended, when I was very young, practiced this. I gained so much from that experience and so wanted to share it with my children.)

Christ said if we forgive people they are forgiven. Confessing one to another is so important. Serving our brother or sister by letting them confess to us is so important…

I am less and less inclined to see my relationship with Christ as a personal one… it is and isn’t… community is also, and perhaps more, important then the personal relationship idea.

Now that I am more aware of how vital the body of Christ is to the furthering of the kingdom, how its unity is so very valuable, how it is so essential to each and every Christians growth I am concerned by what I see around me. The individual nature of our culture has for sure leaked in in this regard.

(My youngest daughters turn getting a foot washing.)

Confess one to another the good, sure… we don’t really struggle there, but also the bad… vulnerability brings about more intimate relationships and the fact is we are already intimately connected through Christ, he calls us his BODY for crying out loud, it can’t get much closer then that! We are just in so much denial about how connected we really are… we are fighting ourselves…

TTFN

Lasso The Moon

by admin on May 10, 2011 in Feeling It (Thankful), Four Little Eggs In My Nest, Mama Heart Mushings with No comments

They often sit like this, while I put the older three to bed. Daddy and our baby boy often need some one on one time at the end of the day. The days are full of chores and necessary tasks that lead to demands, require constant supervising and all this keeps a Mommy and a Daddy in work mode. This is not the ideal atmosphere for a creative two year old. An ideal atmosphere can be found sitting on his Dad’s lap, with no rush, no instruction, just plenty of time.

Tonight Dad’s reading time was interrupted when his boy spotted the moon in the not yet dark sky.

“Daddy, da mooooooon!” Daddy confirmed it was indeed the moon. “Daddy we gotsa get da moon,” ordered his little boy! His boy was already standing up and out of Daddies lap, bouncing on the couch, pointing with great enthusiasm out the window. As if grasping for the moon he got frustrated and said “I can’t weach it!” Daddy tried and insisted he too couldn’t reach it.

Baby boy was off the couch in a split second and running around the living room. “We need a rope,” he kept yelling! At this point I was already filming his little performance with the video camera. I piped up and offered him an imaginary rope I had in my pocket. “YES,” he yelled, with a big grin he grabbed the rope and ran back to the window!

One mighty toss and he threw it, presumably, right around the moon in a lasso like fashion. I giggled while he and Daddy worked at pulling on that moon for a healthy length of time, considering a two year olds attention span. They where having such a grand time everyone had forgotten about Baby Boys bed time looming.

You pay a little attention to children playing for any real length of time and I think it almost goes without saying that there is something beautiful about kids limitless imaginations. My boy assumed there must be a way to grab the moon and play with it. As a grown woman, a mom, I know my limits… I seem to find more all the time… and because of all these limits closing in on me I am so thankful I live through a limitless God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and I will do as he requires me… I will enjoy obeying my Lord, besides my mountain of other reasons this one stands out to me tonight, he understands and created the heart of each imaginative child.

TTFN

Why Not Surrender

by admin on May 9, 2011 in Bits Of My Personality, Feeling It (Thankful) with No comments

I am not the first impression I give… nor am I my reputation, it will disappoint me.
I am not my style or physical appearance… nor am I my image, it will disappoint me.

I am not my past (memories), my future (dreams)… nor am I my story, my plan, it will disappoint me.
I am not intellect and memories… nor am I my mind, it will disappoint me.

I am not my feelings, my highs and lows… nor am I my emotions, they will disappoint me.
I am not my victories nor my failures… my self righteousness or my sins… they all will disappoint me.

I am not this body… it will disappoint me…

…it has failed me…

TTFN

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